Solitude....

I wonder is solitude is forever. Maybe I took the wrong exit and my other half, the one who can cope with my real me, the one who is supposed to be there, to love me, to know me, maybe he is gone forever and pur paths are not ment to cross ever again. Maybe solitude is a state that will last forever.

My soul is lonely. Alcohol, drugs and good friends are no consolation. Im tired of being a camaleon that changes to please its partner. I am this. And Im tired and lonely, seeing how deep and sweet others people's love is. Im not like girls here, I dont want to get married, I dont "need" a guy. I want to feel crazy passion, I want to go mental for someone. I had it before. I know it always end up wrong, but I need to feel myself alive, desired....

The problem is to know what you want...

I've been 10 days away and now I'm back in my very quite job, my messy house from where i'm happily moving tomorrow, Im back to solitary reality I built for myself. And I didn't even care about the fucker that left me waiting and is playing with my mind while I was away, out there there's so much to see, so many people to meet. But I AM HERE right now. And here means a place where I fancy noone, whereI should make my standars low to be with someone. Im not like that. But there is something about this guy that keeps me hooked. Or maybe is only that I have nothing better to do.

One way or the other I had to hate myself for 2 days thinking if he would come and talk to me, deleting his number was a good idea, but there is still facebook... I know he can see what I post, and I can see when he is online. When I get tired of waiting I end meeting him by pure casuality but in a rush, no idea if I was supposed to understand the "see you around" like, good luck or what. The next day I end deciding to send him a message explaining that things dont work anymore and I would prefer not to have him in facebook. Of course, and it looks like a freaking joke... when I take the computer to write he starts chatting with me...

He can't hurt me as he did already. I'm not hooked in the emotional way, I can't say exactly why Im still talking to him. I would like someone mature that can tell me things as they are "I thought about what you said, this and that!"... I would like so much obviously... I made it clear that I was still interested, cause te truth is the winter is coming and Ill enjoy whatever good this guy has to offer, but Ill have clear the limits too. Anyway. I don't know where this is going. I don't want to be again the one is left, I almost never been there and I hate it, my pride hates it! So, do I take a quick desition and I finish things now? (My pride will be happy, but I may be risking some fun??) Or do I wait to, maybe, end up being left... I mean is obvious this is going nowhere as it is. For me this time away was too long and I feel so cold about him.

Why on earth he has that power of making me stay in the hook, in a practical way. If a guy disapears in the middle of a conversation, or doesn't answer you last text... technologie is ruining relationships!!!!

And everything goes wrong...

I wish I have heard my own advise in that last post. I wasn't suppose to get emotionally involved. But hey, once again, I let myself go... with what consecuences. Yeay, got hurt again.

I'm in the floor of an airport, going away in a adventure holiday. I need to be in the wild, me and my backpack. I need to sort myself out.And just a couple of hours ago I was hunging around the streets of Dublin, waiting for someone who told me would come to meet me, and then chnged his mind, or was to busy or God knows what. And something that in another situation wouldn't have annoyed me, it really, really, REALLY upseted me. Is not the first time I think about finishing things with this guy. There is something obvious: he upsets me more than he makes me happy. Is not supposed to work this way. But this time I realized something else. I was too honest, to myself. I gave him the power to hurt me. I made myself vulnerable and its my mistake, I just choose the worng person!!!

The power of the mind

This is one of my gifts, maybe the strongest and the one that its been saving me, and keeping me safe. My mind is so so so powerfull that I can actually made a desition and convince myself of it.

Do you want an example?

Right now I'm deciding that I don't want to get attached to a guy who will probably end up hurting me, who is definately not what I look in a man.

I'm convincing myself I'm better alone. I don't want to finish whatever it is I have with the guy, not yet, but I'm not getting emotionally involved.

Hello, my name is X and I'm a mess

I just realize that my perfect relax life is just a mess. A freking huge mess. How did I let it go so far? Here I am, I'm a terrible mess.

I've been goig out with a guy for 3 weeks and even when I can't say I'm falling for the fella, I can't avoid getting a bit obsess, I guess is only cause I'm putting too much on this relationship (or whatever it is). I miss so may things of being with someone and he is being so nice that I can't avoid wishing to see him more often or spend more time toghether. But I need to stop this before I get hurt. Again.

So is saturday night and he is at home watching tely. It annoys me cause I was clear I wanted him to come with me tonight to my friends gig. Not even my housemate met him yet. I wanted to make it oficial: in a small town when you are seeing with someone you become, for the local gossip ladies (and gentlemen!), oficialy in some kind of relationship with whom you're with. People who you barly know will comment on that issue. And I thought that's what I wanted. But I'm thinking it again, and maybe is better not to make it public.

Next week I'm going on holidays. Is some kind of special holiday for me. I'm going to walk almost 170 km in 6 days in the middle of Spain. I need to put my body to work to clear my mind and decide what I want. Thats the goal.

What does sex means in a relationship?

I remember my ex boyfriend telling me he couldn't be in a relationship where the girl doesn't want to have sex (we were talking about religion matters I think). I respect still his point of view, he actually kept himself virgin till when he was 21 and found someone special. So sometimes I remeber this and can't avoid asking myself, what does sex means in a relationship?

I love sex. I had amazing teachers and partners and even bad experiences (none really really bad I would say) taught me something valuable. I learnt to know myself and I learnt to read my partner to know what he likes. I enjoy receiving as much as giving. Some guys feel scared about my open sexuality, about my own security with my body (I'm not skinny and I don't want to be, I'm just happy with my body!). But this is out of the point. I keep trying to understand what sex means to me in a relationship... Let's go throught old stuff.

My exboyfriend was with whom I learn with. We respected each other and discovered our own pleasures. We tried loads of things and always found a way to please each other. My mistake for thinking it was like that all the time with everybody.

The other random partners I had, they all taught me something different, I tried new things. Though very rarely felt like before, there's some kind of intimacy that I had with my ex that I can't seem to create with anyone else.

French fucker is what is breaking what I would have called my sex theory before. With him it was mostly about sex and it wasn't bad at all, but still there was no intimicy really, apart from the phisical thing. He was the clearest prove that sex can't be the most important part of a relationship. I know it for sure now, not that I ignored it before, but wasn't looking for something serious then.

So now, present time, I have someone sweet with me, someone who seems to be interested and being interesting. But he is frustrating me sexually. God! I even had sex dreams hearing him snores. How bad it is?

So, my conclusion. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Of course is not what it should be based on. It's important to get to know the ther person before being able to get to know it in bed. And I feel like that may happen this time, I'm willing to try, I'm just scared is gonna be great in the way it is now, the sweet thing, the interest, the flirting, the being there thing. But what if it doesn't work in bed?

If only I could ....

If only I could put bits and pieces of all the guys I've been with. That would be amazing!

Why there's no guy who would be sweet and funny and good in bed. Come on! Is the basic stuff!! Is this asking for too much? Cause at the moment I feel like it.

I've spent the whole night awake. I have been dating a guy for 2 weeks, and as he keeps showing me how different this relationship is from anything I've done before, we still didn't have sex. Of course, playing, games, etc, but then you would think as soon as you're in bed you can't stop touching each other. But, hey, no. Last night, after proving the fact that there things in bed he wouldn't do (and I'm not talking about freaky stuff, hey!), and hey, I say things as they are but I'm not beggin. Hey, we can learn together, no worries. BUT, not if you fall sleep.

So I'm not even tired cause I'm still annoyed of spending the night naked next to a guy snoring.

And you may be thinking how unconsiderate I am right? The guy was tired from work, or from whatever. But I was working too. And the it all cames back to me, cause I know we loose the horny spirit, but I spent a year having sex all the freaking time with my ex-boyfriend. I actually counted it: it was more than the days in a year. So, when you fell sleep in my bed, next to a naked girl you say you like, after only 2 weeks of going out, sorry mate, there is no suspense in not having sex yet, you're just boring me.

Can things be so funny?

Pub, red wine and a guy who is all smiles but wouldn't call you after a month is not a good combination. So what happened then? Chatting with my girls, silly tears of frustration start filling my eyes, and suddenly I wasn't sure why I was crying. Or was I? I'm tired of my own rules, of my own choise of being alone. I want someone to share my time, someone who would make me feel special somehow. Someone I like.

More wine in the pub only made me sleepy and when my friends went out to God knows what, I just lied on the bench and close my eyes, music in the background and the familiar noise of my bar. These things I only got to enjoy them for a few seconds, and suddenly someone knock on my back. "Hi!"

I usually refuse to flirt in the pub, I usually ignore irish guys (Im not their type anyway!), I usually think all nice comments are alcohol bullshit. So, why did I smile when this guy started telling me how much he wanted to meet me, how much he wanted to talk to me. I let him go on, cause my frustrated ego needed some compliments. But, could it be so easy? so quick? My friend was laughing of attonishment when she came back. I don't know.

The only thing I know is that this guy is everything I don't do, everything I've been avoiding. He is pushing me to my extrems of patience. But in the other hand, everything I usually do end up in a disaster right?

Sunday of shame...

I don't like sundays. I think noone does. Some people hates sundays cause they have this feeling of the weekend being over, monday ruins the whole fun of sundays. I can't remember liking or disliking sundays before. I definately didn't like the sunday ritual at my ex-boyfriend's: big family lunch, chatting and watching futbol. I always made an effort to enjoy it, but I was living my life in a "fast mode" and it seemed like a lot of wasted time. And it was the feeling too. The feeling of being judged all the time. Surely I wasn't, but I couldn't shake off that feeling, some days was my career, others my appareance, my jeans, others I felt like I had no life... Gosh, I was way less stronger than now, way more insecure.

I do hate sundays now, but try not to think about it. I work on sundays. And is BORING. I usually work 6 hours in the afternoon, which means I can wake up as late as I want and still do some stuff in the house or go out for a walk. Te problem is that those 6 h in the shop are boring. Anyway, that has nothing to do with our sunday of shame. Is just that when I'm bored I think, and think and think!

Sundays are also the day that french fucker, if he wants to come to the shop, can't avoid me (he knows when my breaks are, and always stop in then), so there we are, little visit that put my mind to work. Gosh girls, there should be some kind of gadget to shut up our thoughts! Anyway, we re being decent now, I say hi, he say bye, I don't feel like talking in french with him (I love that language too much to ruin it in a conversation with such an arsehole!). But we are decent. I don't care really.

But I do care about the guy that has ignore me (??) for 2 weeks. I know, he is not ignoring me, and that's the second part of my sunday of shame. But at the same it, isn't he? I made obvious that I wanted to see him again and he barely answered me. Im not pushy, Im not texting or calling.

So, I had 15 min of breake, and went to the shop for a bar of conforting chocolate. Music very loud in my ears and me thinking on whatever I was thinking I see this guy in a cap. My ex-housemate uses caps all the time, so I looked over kind of exited to share a bit of a chat. After 3 seconds staring from behind I realize is not him and when I turned around a thought came into my mind, of course, it had to be him. Half of my mind is saying, go and hide! the other part, more girly is telling me to go over, pick anything from the shellfs and go and smile and send him to fuck off!!!! I just walk through a line like a I have no idea whats going on, I give my back to him, if by the time I get to the til he is gone, whatever. He wasn't of course, and he must have seen me before, so music off and lets face a chat with the guy Im desperate to sleep with again (is not even that! I just would really like to sit down with him and a glass of wine or a beer and chat!). So it goes well, we chatted for 5 min (its hard to talk in spanish for god sake!) and the part of me that wanted to run away said I had to go to work, and just left. Not looking back. I can't cope with the fact that he may not care. He may doesn't give a shit!

Who have I became?

I am sitting next to my beloved fire on a saturday night. I feel myself. And I feel a big empty space next to me in this couch as I drink my wine and put a movie on. I have chosen a life that I knew lonely and I am consious of how much I left, how much I lost to become who I am. And I am what I want to.

But then, who am I?

The summer always seems to lost me a bit in this side of the world. I keep a rythm that is not mine. I am a homy person, I have sedentary hobbies and enjoy being, as I am right now, on my couch next to a warm fire. So, why do I feel so lonely. I know is like this from time to time, but it never went as far as actually regretting my desition of leaving my country, my non-functional family, the guy that I learnt it was the love of my life and a couple of other things. Every choise has a sacrifice side, and even when people don't see it, I do suffer it, never missed it though, just some moments, when I am very concious of how much I had to leave behind.

So, then, Who Have I Become? Because I don't want to feel the pain of the loss, because I need to keep moving forwards, always up and far away (God! How much I love the feeling in the plain, going up and up and up!), because I have a very strong instict of surviving, I built this wall that protects me, a solid cover to my heart. And I know is time I let go, its time I start feeling. I just would love the first feelings not to be so painfull.

I am strong, secure, basic, earth connected throught my feet and in the clouds in my head. I was brave. And a part of me never stops being brave. So why have I become such a scared woman. Why I am so scared of feeling, and yes, obvious answer, it's so freaking painfull!!! Cause everytime I try I keep getting hurt, rejected, humilliated.

Maybe is just not the time to open up. I just don't want to be so sad.

Tales of a female nomad...

This is the title of the book I just started today. I love reading a good book. It makes time go so fast, specially when you're working and working and working and waiting, thanks dear book =)

Why men are so weird?

oh, I bet there's a million different answers to this question, but this time is only a retorical thing... So I met this guy in the street, as it was going to happen (little small town... benefits?). Anyway, he was nice enough to cross the street to my side and have a chat. And you may be thinking "yeay", well... don't.

I am bad reading doble signs, trying to find meaning to things, I'm direct, honest and clear. And maybe he is as well, and I'm only trying to think there has to be something else to keep my hope somehow... Anyway, the chat goes nice and funny, and then he mention he may have friends coming down for the weekend, cool, is that a way to say there won't be a "seeing us" during the weekend? But then he makes a comment like he will text me to go for a drink. And I read this before... "going for a drink" is not the kind of date I want right? Going for a drink is let's check who's in the pub, and not a you, me and the bed date.

But like if is not enough, I met him again in the street a couple of hours later, and we chat a bit again, and it was funny, and nice. He doesn't have to talk to me, he can make any excuses and keep walking. Does he want us to be friends and that's it?

I'm assuming I won't hear from him till saturday, and it will be, probably, to let me know his friends are around, and we can meet in the pub later... Yes... you, me, your friends, and half town. I'm deciding now I am not going if it's like that. I do respect myself and if we slept toghether and then you only came around and you're funny and all nice, but you don't ask me to see me apart from that, if you don't show me you want to see me again, I will finish things as they are before start questioning myself.

So yes, I did admit I liked him, and I do, but I love myself more. It's thursday, this weekend, friends or not friends around, is your chance o show me if you have some kind of interest in me, any kind. If you're gonna play friends, I don't know, I have enough friends...

I am not the girl...

I am not the girl that waits for the phone call...

I am not the obsessive girl that calls you if you don't, I'm chilled out, free, I am easy going and understanding. And yet, as cool as I may try (and very often succeded) to be, things don't shine in my sky.

Juanita told me to get busy, to use my time in a productive way, and hey, I did! Went for long walks every day, worked more than ever, exploded my hobbies, went to the bar for a chat when I found myself at home, gosh, I'm tired! And even when i'm not the girl waiting for the phone call... God! How much I would like him to call me!

Anyway, as usually I was annoying Juanita with my speech, the strong girl shit, "I am not the one who likes guys, I don't get involve and I don't get hurt"... And she said something full of wisdom (for a change!  x), she said that the problem is that I won't admit that I like him. And then there's a contradiction between who I say I am, and who I end up being, between what I say and I do! And that's even worse than stay waiting for that call that very well may never happen, or even worse than admitting that I do like him and accepting that he doesn't, betraying myself is worse than getting hurt!

So here I am. I'm trying not to be waiting for the call keeping myself busy. And yes, I do like him, and yes, I may end up hurt again, but I'll be myself and only myself.

He's just not that into you...

God, that was the worse movie ever, I watch it ages ago and still is making me angry! If you want to make a movie telling the awful truth about dating, about not getting who you want, and be refused and not really loved, well, just be coherent... but in this movie, nonono, you say all these things that are obviously truth, and then at the end everyone has a happy ending... Is there so magic happy endings in life too?

There's a first thing that is wrong, why do we need to undertand the male universe. People usually say is the women who are impossible to understand, but as far as my dating life and personal experience is going, men are so freaking complicated!!!!

So, i'm remembering this character, Alex, the cool guy who learnt how to have any woman he wants but he doesn't give a shit. He is the one who brings us close to the men's mind, and even when it may be true everything he says, the rules seems a little bit standar, lets go through it...

If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will. 

 
Great, I get the point... If the guy likes you he will find the way to see you again. So, this is the situaction and I woulnd't mind som feedback!

The guy leaves, doesn't ask for my number, but stil comes later for brunch (it was a social thing though). Still not time to talk in private, no asking for my phone, ok, thought in my mind, this is a freaking small town, we share some friends, we know we will definately meet again, so there is no hurry. I do have a hurry, I do want to see him again, and I had the feeling he did as well. But if I follow these signs then what?
And then I got his number from a friend, my pals told me it wasn't that bad to text him, so I did. Hey, you know this far I'm not the crazy girl who will text 2.000 times and go mental. One text, that's it. Got an answer. So there's the thing... it was an ok answer, but is monday and you're telling me you may have no time till the weekend... IT'S MONDAY!!! And there are 2 problems: I work during the weekends, so I finish art 10pm every night, a bit late for a proper date? And not very fair, if the guy doesn't want to see me during the week cause he may be tired, why do we have to do it when he is free and I'm destroyed. And the other thing is, and then these phrases are annoying me, if he want to see me, he would have propose an early date, even to go for lunch. Right? My friend says that is not bad! That he is busy, and will meet on the weekend, and even when he didn't ask for my number he still came later for brunch, and bla bla bla...

I think I need to settle myself again in my strong shell. I'm tired of getting hurt.

Getting 25

Finally the day is here and I am finally 25 years old. Whatever, age doesn't really matters to me, but in general (not counting 6 hs of boring work today) I had an amazing birthday! Got drunk in a happy mode and felt right, felt happy last night. Ended up going all around town from the pub to a party, from the party to the pub... I even got into the disco for free (which I usually don't do cause I consider an abuse getting charge 10 euros only to get in there, is not even that cool!). And then (or maybe a bit before) things get blurry, remember dancing and dancing non stop, and then going out with the guy I like, and thn the flashes become more interesting, kissing here, and there, in the street in the doorway... Let's just say I woke up the morning of my 25th birthday with a masive hungover and very good company. Can't ask for more, can I?

And for the future I need to remember that birthday breakfast is not a great idea if you have to cook while you feel sick, and serving people when you cn't even touch the food. 2 litres of water later I started to enjoy myself. It was also nice that almost everyone I wanted to be there, was there!

Happy Brithday to me!

The good old times?

In less than a week I'm getting 25. Twenty five full years. Quarter century. Ey! I'm not feeling old, actually I have no issues with my age. It's only that I had a couple of flashbacks of 10 years ago... and I can't believe how much life has changed. It makes me incredible happy, in those 10 years I met real love, I moved loads of times and learnt to live on my own, I studied and did great, but then I changed my mind, I question myself 1000 times and changed my mind even more, I also been sure about what I wanted, and I got it too. In ten years I found myself... no, thats not true... in these last 10 years I built myself.

So, then, good old times? No way. I will never feel like going back to what it was, to how it was. Is not only that fr obvious reasons I can't, is only that I don't want to. I like to live the present and peer sometimes into my future. I dealt with the past, I accepted as it was, I made the best of it, and now I'm moving on.

Travelling

There is some people that are travellers, there others who never experiece "the call" as I like to name it. I did chose to travel the first time, I didn't know exactly why I felt it so strong, it was almost a need. And nothing else mattered, nothing else stopped me! After a year I felt the need to stop, build myself and grow up, settle for a bit and save money. But the feeling is still in the back of my head, exploding during the night, filling my dreams. I know I have to travel again. When? Doesn't matter (soon though!) Where? Matters even less. Adventures are out there.

So, if you feel it, almost like a pain that tells you to go (no the running away feeling though!), go! Someone told me that life is not just following what gives us pleasure. I understand there are resonsabilities, things we have to take care of and I don't think inmediate pleasure is happiness. But from my point of view, life is pursuiving pleasure.... following happiness!!!!!

New Place...

Tomorrow im getting the keys for my new little house... ok, our little house, I'm moving with a friend. I've been asking her what "code name" I can use for her in this blog, so I decided I'm gonna call her Juanita. She'll love it!

For the last 8 months I've been living at another's friend house, and since the summer started (whatever summer means in Ireland) also Juanita is living here. We rent room and even though I love living at my friend's, we decided we need more space for new projects, and hey, we are two girls, so let's say it's only a girly need. Geez, since I started this blog I do feel girly =)

So, we've got the keys this morning. Our landlord is lovely, really. Juanita and I started cleaning. As we are not in a rush we are gonna make it nice before moving in. And there is a LOT to do. Kitchen has been properly sanitized and the lounge room needs a bit of love and new couches. But the first task we have now is cleaning carpets. Lovely, we have our carpets special soap and we are planning to get into our knees and clean the whole thing. Geez, cream carpets. lol.


But of course our first step in the house would not be completly smooth. Between Juanita destroying a complete window and me sitting on the just brand new toilet sit and breaking it already, we did get some good laughs.

I have the right to be mean...

I saw the french fucker today at work. I sell alcohol. Otherwise I would not see him I think. Lucky me...I decided I am going to delete him from my past (have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?), from my memories. Is not like I'm loosing a lot. I want to go back to my happy and single life.

I feel like being mean today. I'm not the kind of person that enjoys revenge (what's the point?). But I don't like chocking with my own thoughts. So all those things I didn't say to the french fucker, yeay, you will know!

I knew from the beggining that the relationship was doomed... If the day has 24 hours, I use to work from 2 to 10 and so he does, but in the other side of the day! So seing each other was from 10 pm to 2 am, considering you may need to sleep in the middle, geez! Annoying, very very annoying. Come on, I LOVE sleeping, I do an art of it! The first time the 10 alarms ringed for an hour at 3 am, and I still had to kick his arse so he would wake up, I was not only completely awake, but a bit like, WTF? You don't want to act like a proper couple the first night you sleep toghether...

I am a girl who does enjoy drinking but not for the sake of getting drunk. It was nice to find someone who will make a effort to get good drinks and good food. After a while drinking every night and smoking joints that often left in such a relax way that I wasn't exactly myself. Everytime we met was have dinner, talk, listen to music, have sex, sleep. I think food was the best part!!! I have to say I never cooked for the guy. I was quite happy with that, but now it does feel a little bit funny. The thing is way bigger! French fucker is that kind of person who likes things his way only, and anything else is wrong (literally because he doesn't know it or doesn't like it). I don't like that kind of people, I won't put myself in the position of being judge by such an arsehole! That put me off straight away. I realized his theory included music, food (specially food), people (though, his big theory of how the poeple of the contry he is living in is, seems to have changed considering the nationality of his new girlfriend!), movies, etc. I don't like people who think they are always right and can't accept that sometimes... sometimes they are WRONG!

The poison on my veins is making me have this imaginary conversations where I can say as much as I want in 3 different languages to the french fucker. I'm not angry though, but I enjoy mean comments, in the right moment and place, in a unadverted tone of voice... I find them more effective. I would like to remember them and write them down. They could make a cool script.

What I want...

I have no idea what I want. As a lot of people (I was going to say 'girls' but lately had discovered that men could be even worse!), I want one thing and maybe even before getting it, I already want something else. But is not to be childish (I prefer to think is only ambition!), I also wanted something so so so much that was obsessed for years till I got it (working my arse out to get it!).

Tonight I discovered something I want. Something I didn't think I wanted. I want someone to be crazy about me. I want someone that could not stay away from me when I'm around. I want someone who is on the ther side of the room, but unable to take his eyes out of me. I miss the warm feeling of someone being mad about me. I can see it in some friends couples eyes and is so tender, so sweet...

And even so, I keep repeating to myself: I don't want love. I may want it deep deep into myself, I don't know. I do know that I want someone to make me feel special, who is there when I need to talk to someone, who is able to pay attention to the details. I want someone who would hug me and who would trust me. Shit. I'm reading myself... Do I really want this? Ey wait... that doesn't mean I want someone who depends on me. Is it that hard to find someone independant, with a life, that would go crazy for me? Maybe I'm asking too much.

The funny thing is that I know is possible. I had it before.