Who have I became?

I am sitting next to my beloved fire on a saturday night. I feel myself. And I feel a big empty space next to me in this couch as I drink my wine and put a movie on. I have chosen a life that I knew lonely and I am consious of how much I left, how much I lost to become who I am. And I am what I want to.

But then, who am I?

The summer always seems to lost me a bit in this side of the world. I keep a rythm that is not mine. I am a homy person, I have sedentary hobbies and enjoy being, as I am right now, on my couch next to a warm fire. So, why do I feel so lonely. I know is like this from time to time, but it never went as far as actually regretting my desition of leaving my country, my non-functional family, the guy that I learnt it was the love of my life and a couple of other things. Every choise has a sacrifice side, and even when people don't see it, I do suffer it, never missed it though, just some moments, when I am very concious of how much I had to leave behind.

So, then, Who Have I Become? Because I don't want to feel the pain of the loss, because I need to keep moving forwards, always up and far away (God! How much I love the feeling in the plain, going up and up and up!), because I have a very strong instict of surviving, I built this wall that protects me, a solid cover to my heart. And I know is time I let go, its time I start feeling. I just would love the first feelings not to be so painfull.

I am strong, secure, basic, earth connected throught my feet and in the clouds in my head. I was brave. And a part of me never stops being brave. So why have I become such a scared woman. Why I am so scared of feeling, and yes, obvious answer, it's so freaking painfull!!! Cause everytime I try I keep getting hurt, rejected, humilliated.

Maybe is just not the time to open up. I just don't want to be so sad.