Sunday of shame...

I don't like sundays. I think noone does. Some people hates sundays cause they have this feeling of the weekend being over, monday ruins the whole fun of sundays. I can't remember liking or disliking sundays before. I definately didn't like the sunday ritual at my ex-boyfriend's: big family lunch, chatting and watching futbol. I always made an effort to enjoy it, but I was living my life in a "fast mode" and it seemed like a lot of wasted time. And it was the feeling too. The feeling of being judged all the time. Surely I wasn't, but I couldn't shake off that feeling, some days was my career, others my appareance, my jeans, others I felt like I had no life... Gosh, I was way less stronger than now, way more insecure.

I do hate sundays now, but try not to think about it. I work on sundays. And is BORING. I usually work 6 hours in the afternoon, which means I can wake up as late as I want and still do some stuff in the house or go out for a walk. Te problem is that those 6 h in the shop are boring. Anyway, that has nothing to do with our sunday of shame. Is just that when I'm bored I think, and think and think!

Sundays are also the day that french fucker, if he wants to come to the shop, can't avoid me (he knows when my breaks are, and always stop in then), so there we are, little visit that put my mind to work. Gosh girls, there should be some kind of gadget to shut up our thoughts! Anyway, we re being decent now, I say hi, he say bye, I don't feel like talking in french with him (I love that language too much to ruin it in a conversation with such an arsehole!). But we are decent. I don't care really.

But I do care about the guy that has ignore me (??) for 2 weeks. I know, he is not ignoring me, and that's the second part of my sunday of shame. But at the same it, isn't he? I made obvious that I wanted to see him again and he barely answered me. Im not pushy, Im not texting or calling.

So, I had 15 min of breake, and went to the shop for a bar of conforting chocolate. Music very loud in my ears and me thinking on whatever I was thinking I see this guy in a cap. My ex-housemate uses caps all the time, so I looked over kind of exited to share a bit of a chat. After 3 seconds staring from behind I realize is not him and when I turned around a thought came into my mind, of course, it had to be him. Half of my mind is saying, go and hide! the other part, more girly is telling me to go over, pick anything from the shellfs and go and smile and send him to fuck off!!!! I just walk through a line like a I have no idea whats going on, I give my back to him, if by the time I get to the til he is gone, whatever. He wasn't of course, and he must have seen me before, so music off and lets face a chat with the guy Im desperate to sleep with again (is not even that! I just would really like to sit down with him and a glass of wine or a beer and chat!). So it goes well, we chatted for 5 min (its hard to talk in spanish for god sake!) and the part of me that wanted to run away said I had to go to work, and just left. Not looking back. I can't cope with the fact that he may not care. He may doesn't give a shit!

Who have I became?

I am sitting next to my beloved fire on a saturday night. I feel myself. And I feel a big empty space next to me in this couch as I drink my wine and put a movie on. I have chosen a life that I knew lonely and I am consious of how much I left, how much I lost to become who I am. And I am what I want to.

But then, who am I?

The summer always seems to lost me a bit in this side of the world. I keep a rythm that is not mine. I am a homy person, I have sedentary hobbies and enjoy being, as I am right now, on my couch next to a warm fire. So, why do I feel so lonely. I know is like this from time to time, but it never went as far as actually regretting my desition of leaving my country, my non-functional family, the guy that I learnt it was the love of my life and a couple of other things. Every choise has a sacrifice side, and even when people don't see it, I do suffer it, never missed it though, just some moments, when I am very concious of how much I had to leave behind.

So, then, Who Have I Become? Because I don't want to feel the pain of the loss, because I need to keep moving forwards, always up and far away (God! How much I love the feeling in the plain, going up and up and up!), because I have a very strong instict of surviving, I built this wall that protects me, a solid cover to my heart. And I know is time I let go, its time I start feeling. I just would love the first feelings not to be so painfull.

I am strong, secure, basic, earth connected throught my feet and in the clouds in my head. I was brave. And a part of me never stops being brave. So why have I become such a scared woman. Why I am so scared of feeling, and yes, obvious answer, it's so freaking painfull!!! Cause everytime I try I keep getting hurt, rejected, humilliated.

Maybe is just not the time to open up. I just don't want to be so sad.

Tales of a female nomad...

This is the title of the book I just started today. I love reading a good book. It makes time go so fast, specially when you're working and working and working and waiting, thanks dear book =)

Why men are so weird?

oh, I bet there's a million different answers to this question, but this time is only a retorical thing... So I met this guy in the street, as it was going to happen (little small town... benefits?). Anyway, he was nice enough to cross the street to my side and have a chat. And you may be thinking "yeay", well... don't.

I am bad reading doble signs, trying to find meaning to things, I'm direct, honest and clear. And maybe he is as well, and I'm only trying to think there has to be something else to keep my hope somehow... Anyway, the chat goes nice and funny, and then he mention he may have friends coming down for the weekend, cool, is that a way to say there won't be a "seeing us" during the weekend? But then he makes a comment like he will text me to go for a drink. And I read this before... "going for a drink" is not the kind of date I want right? Going for a drink is let's check who's in the pub, and not a you, me and the bed date.

But like if is not enough, I met him again in the street a couple of hours later, and we chat a bit again, and it was funny, and nice. He doesn't have to talk to me, he can make any excuses and keep walking. Does he want us to be friends and that's it?

I'm assuming I won't hear from him till saturday, and it will be, probably, to let me know his friends are around, and we can meet in the pub later... Yes... you, me, your friends, and half town. I'm deciding now I am not going if it's like that. I do respect myself and if we slept toghether and then you only came around and you're funny and all nice, but you don't ask me to see me apart from that, if you don't show me you want to see me again, I will finish things as they are before start questioning myself.

So yes, I did admit I liked him, and I do, but I love myself more. It's thursday, this weekend, friends or not friends around, is your chance o show me if you have some kind of interest in me, any kind. If you're gonna play friends, I don't know, I have enough friends...

I am not the girl...

I am not the girl that waits for the phone call...

I am not the obsessive girl that calls you if you don't, I'm chilled out, free, I am easy going and understanding. And yet, as cool as I may try (and very often succeded) to be, things don't shine in my sky.

Juanita told me to get busy, to use my time in a productive way, and hey, I did! Went for long walks every day, worked more than ever, exploded my hobbies, went to the bar for a chat when I found myself at home, gosh, I'm tired! And even when i'm not the girl waiting for the phone call... God! How much I would like him to call me!

Anyway, as usually I was annoying Juanita with my speech, the strong girl shit, "I am not the one who likes guys, I don't get involve and I don't get hurt"... And she said something full of wisdom (for a change!  x), she said that the problem is that I won't admit that I like him. And then there's a contradiction between who I say I am, and who I end up being, between what I say and I do! And that's even worse than stay waiting for that call that very well may never happen, or even worse than admitting that I do like him and accepting that he doesn't, betraying myself is worse than getting hurt!

So here I am. I'm trying not to be waiting for the call keeping myself busy. And yes, I do like him, and yes, I may end up hurt again, but I'll be myself and only myself.

He's just not that into you...

God, that was the worse movie ever, I watch it ages ago and still is making me angry! If you want to make a movie telling the awful truth about dating, about not getting who you want, and be refused and not really loved, well, just be coherent... but in this movie, nonono, you say all these things that are obviously truth, and then at the end everyone has a happy ending... Is there so magic happy endings in life too?

There's a first thing that is wrong, why do we need to undertand the male universe. People usually say is the women who are impossible to understand, but as far as my dating life and personal experience is going, men are so freaking complicated!!!!

So, i'm remembering this character, Alex, the cool guy who learnt how to have any woman he wants but he doesn't give a shit. He is the one who brings us close to the men's mind, and even when it may be true everything he says, the rules seems a little bit standar, lets go through it...

If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.

Don’t get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he’ll do the asking.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will. 

 
Great, I get the point... If the guy likes you he will find the way to see you again. So, this is the situaction and I woulnd't mind som feedback!

The guy leaves, doesn't ask for my number, but stil comes later for brunch (it was a social thing though). Still not time to talk in private, no asking for my phone, ok, thought in my mind, this is a freaking small town, we share some friends, we know we will definately meet again, so there is no hurry. I do have a hurry, I do want to see him again, and I had the feeling he did as well. But if I follow these signs then what?
And then I got his number from a friend, my pals told me it wasn't that bad to text him, so I did. Hey, you know this far I'm not the crazy girl who will text 2.000 times and go mental. One text, that's it. Got an answer. So there's the thing... it was an ok answer, but is monday and you're telling me you may have no time till the weekend... IT'S MONDAY!!! And there are 2 problems: I work during the weekends, so I finish art 10pm every night, a bit late for a proper date? And not very fair, if the guy doesn't want to see me during the week cause he may be tired, why do we have to do it when he is free and I'm destroyed. And the other thing is, and then these phrases are annoying me, if he want to see me, he would have propose an early date, even to go for lunch. Right? My friend says that is not bad! That he is busy, and will meet on the weekend, and even when he didn't ask for my number he still came later for brunch, and bla bla bla...

I think I need to settle myself again in my strong shell. I'm tired of getting hurt.

Getting 25

Finally the day is here and I am finally 25 years old. Whatever, age doesn't really matters to me, but in general (not counting 6 hs of boring work today) I had an amazing birthday! Got drunk in a happy mode and felt right, felt happy last night. Ended up going all around town from the pub to a party, from the party to the pub... I even got into the disco for free (which I usually don't do cause I consider an abuse getting charge 10 euros only to get in there, is not even that cool!). And then (or maybe a bit before) things get blurry, remember dancing and dancing non stop, and then going out with the guy I like, and thn the flashes become more interesting, kissing here, and there, in the street in the doorway... Let's just say I woke up the morning of my 25th birthday with a masive hungover and very good company. Can't ask for more, can I?

And for the future I need to remember that birthday breakfast is not a great idea if you have to cook while you feel sick, and serving people when you cn't even touch the food. 2 litres of water later I started to enjoy myself. It was also nice that almost everyone I wanted to be there, was there!

Happy Brithday to me!

The good old times?

In less than a week I'm getting 25. Twenty five full years. Quarter century. Ey! I'm not feeling old, actually I have no issues with my age. It's only that I had a couple of flashbacks of 10 years ago... and I can't believe how much life has changed. It makes me incredible happy, in those 10 years I met real love, I moved loads of times and learnt to live on my own, I studied and did great, but then I changed my mind, I question myself 1000 times and changed my mind even more, I also been sure about what I wanted, and I got it too. In ten years I found myself... no, thats not true... in these last 10 years I built myself.

So, then, good old times? No way. I will never feel like going back to what it was, to how it was. Is not only that fr obvious reasons I can't, is only that I don't want to. I like to live the present and peer sometimes into my future. I dealt with the past, I accepted as it was, I made the best of it, and now I'm moving on.

Travelling

There is some people that are travellers, there others who never experiece "the call" as I like to name it. I did chose to travel the first time, I didn't know exactly why I felt it so strong, it was almost a need. And nothing else mattered, nothing else stopped me! After a year I felt the need to stop, build myself and grow up, settle for a bit and save money. But the feeling is still in the back of my head, exploding during the night, filling my dreams. I know I have to travel again. When? Doesn't matter (soon though!) Where? Matters even less. Adventures are out there.

So, if you feel it, almost like a pain that tells you to go (no the running away feeling though!), go! Someone told me that life is not just following what gives us pleasure. I understand there are resonsabilities, things we have to take care of and I don't think inmediate pleasure is happiness. But from my point of view, life is pursuiving pleasure.... following happiness!!!!!