Tomorrow im getting the keys for my new little house... ok, our little house, I'm moving with a friend. I've been asking her what "code name" I can use for her in this blog, so I decided I'm gonna call her Juanita. She'll love it!
For the last 8 months I've been living at another's friend house, and since the summer started (whatever summer means in Ireland) also Juanita is living here. We rent room and even though I love living at my friend's, we decided we need more space for new projects, and hey, we are two girls, so let's say it's only a girly need. Geez, since I started this blog I do feel girly =)
So, we've got the keys this morning. Our landlord is lovely, really. Juanita and I started cleaning. As we are not in a rush we are gonna make it nice before moving in. And there is a LOT to do. Kitchen has been properly sanitized and the lounge room needs a bit of love and new couches. But the first task we have now is cleaning carpets. Lovely, we have our carpets special soap and we are planning to get into our knees and clean the whole thing. Geez, cream carpets. lol.
But of course our first step in the house would not be completly smooth. Between Juanita destroying a complete window and me sitting on the just brand new toilet sit and breaking it already, we did get some good laughs.
Tuesday 17 August 2010
Saturday 14 August 2010
I have the right to be mean...
I saw the french fucker today at work. I sell alcohol. Otherwise I would not see him I think. Lucky me...I decided I am going to delete him from my past (have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?), from my memories. Is not like I'm loosing a lot. I want to go back to my happy and single life.
I feel like being mean today. I'm not the kind of person that enjoys revenge (what's the point?). But I don't like chocking with my own thoughts. So all those things I didn't say to the french fucker, yeay, you will know!
I knew from the beggining that the relationship was doomed... If the day has 24 hours, I use to work from 2 to 10 and so he does, but in the other side of the day! So seing each other was from 10 pm to 2 am, considering you may need to sleep in the middle, geez! Annoying, very very annoying. Come on, I LOVE sleeping, I do an art of it! The first time the 10 alarms ringed for an hour at 3 am, and I still had to kick his arse so he would wake up, I was not only completely awake, but a bit like, WTF? You don't want to act like a proper couple the first night you sleep toghether...
I am a girl who does enjoy drinking but not for the sake of getting drunk. It was nice to find someone who will make a effort to get good drinks and good food. After a while drinking every night and smoking joints that often left in such a relax way that I wasn't exactly myself. Everytime we met was have dinner, talk, listen to music, have sex, sleep. I think food was the best part!!! I have to say I never cooked for the guy. I was quite happy with that, but now it does feel a little bit funny. The thing is way bigger! French fucker is that kind of person who likes things his way only, and anything else is wrong (literally because he doesn't know it or doesn't like it). I don't like that kind of people, I won't put myself in the position of being judge by such an arsehole! That put me off straight away. I realized his theory included music, food (specially food), people (though, his big theory of how the poeple of the contry he is living in is, seems to have changed considering the nationality of his new girlfriend!), movies, etc. I don't like people who think they are always right and can't accept that sometimes... sometimes they are WRONG!
The poison on my veins is making me have this imaginary conversations where I can say as much as I want in 3 different languages to the french fucker. I'm not angry though, but I enjoy mean comments, in the right moment and place, in a unadverted tone of voice... I find them more effective. I would like to remember them and write them down. They could make a cool script.
I feel like being mean today. I'm not the kind of person that enjoys revenge (what's the point?). But I don't like chocking with my own thoughts. So all those things I didn't say to the french fucker, yeay, you will know!
I knew from the beggining that the relationship was doomed... If the day has 24 hours, I use to work from 2 to 10 and so he does, but in the other side of the day! So seing each other was from 10 pm to 2 am, considering you may need to sleep in the middle, geez! Annoying, very very annoying. Come on, I LOVE sleeping, I do an art of it! The first time the 10 alarms ringed for an hour at 3 am, and I still had to kick his arse so he would wake up, I was not only completely awake, but a bit like, WTF? You don't want to act like a proper couple the first night you sleep toghether...
I am a girl who does enjoy drinking but not for the sake of getting drunk. It was nice to find someone who will make a effort to get good drinks and good food. After a while drinking every night and smoking joints that often left in such a relax way that I wasn't exactly myself. Everytime we met was have dinner, talk, listen to music, have sex, sleep. I think food was the best part!!! I have to say I never cooked for the guy. I was quite happy with that, but now it does feel a little bit funny. The thing is way bigger! French fucker is that kind of person who likes things his way only, and anything else is wrong (literally because he doesn't know it or doesn't like it). I don't like that kind of people, I won't put myself in the position of being judge by such an arsehole! That put me off straight away. I realized his theory included music, food (specially food), people (though, his big theory of how the poeple of the contry he is living in is, seems to have changed considering the nationality of his new girlfriend!), movies, etc. I don't like people who think they are always right and can't accept that sometimes... sometimes they are WRONG!
The poison on my veins is making me have this imaginary conversations where I can say as much as I want in 3 different languages to the french fucker. I'm not angry though, but I enjoy mean comments, in the right moment and place, in a unadverted tone of voice... I find them more effective. I would like to remember them and write them down. They could make a cool script.
Wednesday 11 August 2010
What I want...
I have no idea what I want. As a lot of people (I was going to say 'girls' but lately had discovered that men could be even worse!), I want one thing and maybe even before getting it, I already want something else. But is not to be childish (I prefer to think is only ambition!), I also wanted something so so so much that was obsessed for years till I got it (working my arse out to get it!).
Tonight I discovered something I want. Something I didn't think I wanted. I want someone to be crazy about me. I want someone that could not stay away from me when I'm around. I want someone who is on the ther side of the room, but unable to take his eyes out of me. I miss the warm feeling of someone being mad about me. I can see it in some friends couples eyes and is so tender, so sweet...
And even so, I keep repeating to myself: I don't want love. I may want it deep deep into myself, I don't know. I do know that I want someone to make me feel special, who is there when I need to talk to someone, who is able to pay attention to the details. I want someone who would hug me and who would trust me. Shit. I'm reading myself... Do I really want this? Ey wait... that doesn't mean I want someone who depends on me. Is it that hard to find someone independant, with a life, that would go crazy for me? Maybe I'm asking too much.
The funny thing is that I know is possible. I had it before.
Tonight I discovered something I want. Something I didn't think I wanted. I want someone to be crazy about me. I want someone that could not stay away from me when I'm around. I want someone who is on the ther side of the room, but unable to take his eyes out of me. I miss the warm feeling of someone being mad about me. I can see it in some friends couples eyes and is so tender, so sweet...
And even so, I keep repeating to myself: I don't want love. I may want it deep deep into myself, I don't know. I do know that I want someone to make me feel special, who is there when I need to talk to someone, who is able to pay attention to the details. I want someone who would hug me and who would trust me. Shit. I'm reading myself... Do I really want this? Ey wait... that doesn't mean I want someone who depends on me. Is it that hard to find someone independant, with a life, that would go crazy for me? Maybe I'm asking too much.
The funny thing is that I know is possible. I had it before.
Tuesday 10 August 2010
Love & Friendship
I feel I'm in a very girly way lately. Yes, my nails are still "dark cheery"... The thing is that I keep having this random conversations, keep crossing myself with books that seem to be talking to me... Is that I'm only kind of perceptive or I'm having hallucinations?
There we are, I write it and is back, this time is a song!
So what's the issue? I keep having this thought that I want to get rid of. I have the feeling that I will never meet anyone with whom I will have such a close, confident and respectfull relationship as I did with my (now married) ex-boyfriend. That amazing combination of being friends and lovers at the same time. I'm seeing all that that will never be. Gosh, Im usually such a positive person, people sometimes get offended for my amazing way of taking bad news. I'm the kind of person who will find always (always!) a positive side in any dark shit. That's why this thought is not very welcome in my mind and quite perturbing. Never? I never say never!
Could this be... ? Maybe... Is the first time in 2 years that I actually feel guilt. Such a funny feeling. Regrets? I like to live my life in a way that it doesn't matter if I die tomorrow, I'll die happy. Have to say that usually I get there, I'd go to bed relax, sattisfied with my life. Regrets? Is the first time that I have regrets in, at leas,t 2 years. One regret. Funny. It's something I assured myself 2 hundred times that I would do again if I could travel on time. The thing is that I did have love and friendship, I did have someone going crazy for me, knowing every little secret of my existence, someone who would share my bed, someone I knew to the bones. And yes, was me who destroyed what it was (maybe sounds like I'm a bitch, which I am not! We just make the wrong decisions sometimes). There you are: regret. But is not only that, I did breake his heart into a million pieces, and wasn't even there (I actually was 15.000 miles away... convenient!) to face the consecuences of my acts. There you are: guilt.
I'm trying hard to delete this thought of my mind, but reality is proving to make it even harder. I keep trusting men, keep thinking they all are different, but this far lovers are lovers and friends are friends, and mixing those things doesn't seem to work at all. I found out that lovers don't seem very interested in creating a confident space between both of us (though, it may also be a bit my fault, putting a bit of a distance to preserve myself -and thank God I do!-), and friends are always afraid of loosing what we have, or there's simply no attraction.
Won't stop looking though.
There we are, I write it and is back, this time is a song!
So what's the issue? I keep having this thought that I want to get rid of. I have the feeling that I will never meet anyone with whom I will have such a close, confident and respectfull relationship as I did with my (now married) ex-boyfriend. That amazing combination of being friends and lovers at the same time. I'm seeing all that that will never be. Gosh, Im usually such a positive person, people sometimes get offended for my amazing way of taking bad news. I'm the kind of person who will find always (always!) a positive side in any dark shit. That's why this thought is not very welcome in my mind and quite perturbing. Never? I never say never!
Could this be... ? Maybe... Is the first time in 2 years that I actually feel guilt. Such a funny feeling. Regrets? I like to live my life in a way that it doesn't matter if I die tomorrow, I'll die happy. Have to say that usually I get there, I'd go to bed relax, sattisfied with my life. Regrets? Is the first time that I have regrets in, at leas,t 2 years. One regret. Funny. It's something I assured myself 2 hundred times that I would do again if I could travel on time. The thing is that I did have love and friendship, I did have someone going crazy for me, knowing every little secret of my existence, someone who would share my bed, someone I knew to the bones. And yes, was me who destroyed what it was (maybe sounds like I'm a bitch, which I am not! We just make the wrong decisions sometimes). There you are: regret. But is not only that, I did breake his heart into a million pieces, and wasn't even there (I actually was 15.000 miles away... convenient!) to face the consecuences of my acts. There you are: guilt.
I'm trying hard to delete this thought of my mind, but reality is proving to make it even harder. I keep trusting men, keep thinking they all are different, but this far lovers are lovers and friends are friends, and mixing those things doesn't seem to work at all. I found out that lovers don't seem very interested in creating a confident space between both of us (though, it may also be a bit my fault, putting a bit of a distance to preserve myself -and thank God I do!-), and friends are always afraid of loosing what we have, or there's simply no attraction.
Won't stop looking though.
Being strong
I've been thinking for a while about this thing of "being strong". I've always been really proud of it, you'll see my figthing my tears, becoming completely cold when stress demands it. I don't breake myself. Wait. That is not true, the only thing is that you will never see it.
So, why do we have this need of look cool, of drawn ourselves in our own pain? Will it be better to explode and say everything that goes throught my mind at the moment, shout, scream and cry? On one side of the scale is this pression that end up exploding when the situation gets colder, on the other one I really don't want to look vulnerable (it took my a long time to convince myself that I am make of steal, and an even longer time to realize that is not bullet proof!).
If I have to choose one of this options, there's no doubts for me, you can point me with a gun and I'll be trying to negociate so you would not take my leather jacket (true story!) of you can come and tell me with no anestesia that you cheated on me, and I won't cry, I won't scream, yep, you'll think I'm the coolest person ever. Do I look so strong that you think you can come to me and tell me hurtfull things just so you won't feel guilty? How would that be if I was vulnerable? Would you be scared of hurting me? Would you even care?
So, why do we have this need of look cool, of drawn ourselves in our own pain? Will it be better to explode and say everything that goes throught my mind at the moment, shout, scream and cry? On one side of the scale is this pression that end up exploding when the situation gets colder, on the other one I really don't want to look vulnerable (it took my a long time to convince myself that I am make of steal, and an even longer time to realize that is not bullet proof!).
If I have to choose one of this options, there's no doubts for me, you can point me with a gun and I'll be trying to negociate so you would not take my leather jacket (true story!) of you can come and tell me with no anestesia that you cheated on me, and I won't cry, I won't scream, yep, you'll think I'm the coolest person ever. Do I look so strong that you think you can come to me and tell me hurtfull things just so you won't feel guilty? How would that be if I was vulnerable? Would you be scared of hurting me? Would you even care?
Monday 9 August 2010
My big fancy (no) wedding
The question of today is simple... Why do people want to get marry so badly?
Living in a country with a very strong catholic tradition made me realize how for some reason and for some poeple, marriage is consider like part of the natural evolution of life. What if I don't want to get married? Maybe is not even that the question. Not long ago I started watching Sex & the City. I never wanted to watch it before (how a blond, thin and fancy girl living in the middle of New York could have something, anything, to do with my own life?). For my surprise I found that a Tv show fake reality is not that far away from my own real little world. So there they are, girls in their 30, singles. I'm not even 25, I'm way too young to be even thinking of this, so why then?
The truth is that my long relationship ex-boyfriend got married.
I'm glad social networks work so well, that well that I almost got the announcement on my wall. I'm not jealous, I'm not mad, sad or angry. It's like suddenly what my life was supposed to be when I was with him is screening in fornt of my eyes like a bad movie. If we were still toghether would be me with the flowers? Was I concious of the path I was taking when I made the decisions that ended up taking me here?
And then I start thinking how marriage and love have been mixed up. I heard girls wanting to get marry and I wonder if they even care with whom! Isn't it suppose to be the other way? Why (or even how!) would I be thiking of getting married if I don't have someone special in my life? I have been in long relationships (5 years of relationship and my ex takes only a year with his new girl and gets married!) and I know how everything can change. Signing a contract that says "you & me forever" looks a bit pointless if is a contract that can be practically and legally broken. I wonder again, what's the point? Is only that we need those categories (married, single, divorced!) that make us feel safe and give us kind of a social place? Do we have the need to tie another person and be tied ourselves to prove love? Can't we be naives and love plenty without rituals? Isn't love supposed to be between one and another, and noone else?
Living in a country with a very strong catholic tradition made me realize how for some reason and for some poeple, marriage is consider like part of the natural evolution of life. What if I don't want to get married? Maybe is not even that the question. Not long ago I started watching Sex & the City. I never wanted to watch it before (how a blond, thin and fancy girl living in the middle of New York could have something, anything, to do with my own life?). For my surprise I found that a Tv show fake reality is not that far away from my own real little world. So there they are, girls in their 30, singles. I'm not even 25, I'm way too young to be even thinking of this, so why then?
The truth is that my long relationship ex-boyfriend got married.
I'm glad social networks work so well, that well that I almost got the announcement on my wall. I'm not jealous, I'm not mad, sad or angry. It's like suddenly what my life was supposed to be when I was with him is screening in fornt of my eyes like a bad movie. If we were still toghether would be me with the flowers? Was I concious of the path I was taking when I made the decisions that ended up taking me here?
And then I start thinking how marriage and love have been mixed up. I heard girls wanting to get marry and I wonder if they even care with whom! Isn't it suppose to be the other way? Why (or even how!) would I be thiking of getting married if I don't have someone special in my life? I have been in long relationships (5 years of relationship and my ex takes only a year with his new girl and gets married!) and I know how everything can change. Signing a contract that says "you & me forever" looks a bit pointless if is a contract that can be practically and legally broken. I wonder again, what's the point? Is only that we need those categories (married, single, divorced!) that make us feel safe and give us kind of a social place? Do we have the need to tie another person and be tied ourselves to prove love? Can't we be naives and love plenty without rituals? Isn't love supposed to be between one and another, and noone else?
Sunday 8 August 2010
Why not?
I always refused to start a blog like this one. I used to tell myself that my own life is not that interesting to make of it kind of a show.
Recently, I discovered that, hey, the life I thought easy, simple, relax, is actually as complicate as anyone else's!!!
So, here I am, starting a blog where I'm going to write my thoughts in a language that is not my own (mistakes excused!) trying to understand. Understand. So, first, you may be wondering why to start this now, why not before, why bother with it at all...
Well, there a simple reason, the only one I can think of at the moment: a couple of weeks ago the guy I was dating told me he cheated on me.
WTF???
It doesn't seem to be directly connected with starting a blog, but apart from the fact that of course was as shocking as shit, it also made me question myself a lot of things... And, by the way, no, I don't care if the girl is prettier or whatever, I'm not the kind of girl who would feel bad with herself cause a fucker cheated on her, nah. But I always considered myself flexible, able to cope with new ideas, even cool with open relationships... come on, I did bad things too. I guess is the pride that is not letting me getting over this shit (if I didn't mention it, I wasn't in love with the guy - who from now shall be known as the french fucker, cause that what he was! -).
So, keeping the line of 'trying to understand'... there are other factors that are not helping me getting over this disaster of relationship. First, and is all my fault, I tried to stay as sex budies with this fucker, though, he was honest to tell me on my face what he had done (thank you, oh my God, thank you so much....), he wasn't honest enough to tell me that he was actually going out with the girl... So sudenly, you changed you girlfriend for your lover and your lover for your girlfrien, no damages. Nah, stupid I am not. Second, I live in a town with 1.200 habs... my town has one street!!! So, thank Lord I'm a decent girl, cause I have to see the french fucker like 4 times a day around. So, ok, I'm not going to feel bad if is taking me a while to forget, I'm trying to delete the good moments and himself from my memory when I'm still seeing him around all the time!
Now, the reason this situation is the direct cause of the creation of this blog, is not because I want to damn all the men gender, but because is making me face all the relationships I had, the lifestyle I want to have (and I worked hard to get) and, this is the hardest part, my future. Every single aspect of my future is a big question mark, and, hey, I hate thinking about the future!
So, why not?
Recently, I discovered that, hey, the life I thought easy, simple, relax, is actually as complicate as anyone else's!!!
So, here I am, starting a blog where I'm going to write my thoughts in a language that is not my own (mistakes excused!) trying to understand. Understand. So, first, you may be wondering why to start this now, why not before, why bother with it at all...
Well, there a simple reason, the only one I can think of at the moment: a couple of weeks ago the guy I was dating told me he cheated on me.
WTF???
It doesn't seem to be directly connected with starting a blog, but apart from the fact that of course was as shocking as shit, it also made me question myself a lot of things... And, by the way, no, I don't care if the girl is prettier or whatever, I'm not the kind of girl who would feel bad with herself cause a fucker cheated on her, nah. But I always considered myself flexible, able to cope with new ideas, even cool with open relationships... come on, I did bad things too. I guess is the pride that is not letting me getting over this shit (if I didn't mention it, I wasn't in love with the guy - who from now shall be known as the french fucker, cause that what he was! -).
So, keeping the line of 'trying to understand'... there are other factors that are not helping me getting over this disaster of relationship. First, and is all my fault, I tried to stay as sex budies with this fucker, though, he was honest to tell me on my face what he had done (thank you, oh my God, thank you so much....), he wasn't honest enough to tell me that he was actually going out with the girl... So sudenly, you changed you girlfriend for your lover and your lover for your girlfrien, no damages. Nah, stupid I am not. Second, I live in a town with 1.200 habs... my town has one street!!! So, thank Lord I'm a decent girl, cause I have to see the french fucker like 4 times a day around. So, ok, I'm not going to feel bad if is taking me a while to forget, I'm trying to delete the good moments and himself from my memory when I'm still seeing him around all the time!
Now, the reason this situation is the direct cause of the creation of this blog, is not because I want to damn all the men gender, but because is making me face all the relationships I had, the lifestyle I want to have (and I worked hard to get) and, this is the hardest part, my future. Every single aspect of my future is a big question mark, and, hey, I hate thinking about the future!
So, why not?
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