Love & Friendship

I feel I'm in a very girly way lately. Yes, my nails are still "dark cheery"... The thing is that I keep having this random conversations, keep crossing myself with books that seem to be talking to me... Is that I'm only kind of perceptive or I'm having hallucinations?

There we are, I write it and is back, this time is a song!

So what's the issue? I keep having this thought that I want to get rid of. I have the feeling that I will never meet anyone with whom I will have such a close, confident and respectfull relationship as I did with my (now married) ex-boyfriend. That amazing combination of being friends and lovers at the same time. I'm seeing all that that will never be. Gosh, Im usually such a positive person, people sometimes get offended for my amazing way of taking bad news. I'm the kind of person who will find always (always!) a positive side in any dark shit. That's why this thought is not very welcome in my mind and quite perturbing. Never? I never say never!

Could this be... ? Maybe... Is the first time in 2 years that I actually feel guilt. Such a funny feeling. Regrets? I like to live my life in a way that it doesn't matter if I die tomorrow, I'll die happy. Have to say that usually I get there, I'd go to bed relax, sattisfied with my life. Regrets? Is the first time that I have regrets in, at leas,t 2 years. One regret. Funny. It's something I assured myself 2 hundred times that I would do again if I could travel on time. The thing is that I did have love and friendship, I did have someone going crazy for me, knowing every little secret of my existence, someone who would share my bed, someone I knew to the bones. And yes, was me who destroyed what it was (maybe sounds like I'm a bitch, which I am not! We just make the wrong decisions sometimes). There you are: regret. But is not only that, I did breake his heart into a million pieces, and wasn't even there (I actually was 15.000 miles away... convenient!) to face the consecuences of my acts. There you are: guilt.

I'm trying hard to delete this thought of my mind, but reality is proving to make it even harder. I keep trusting men, keep thinking they all are different, but this far lovers are lovers and friends are friends, and mixing those things doesn't seem to work at all. I found out that lovers don't seem very interested in creating a confident space between both of us (though, it may also be a bit my fault, putting a bit of a distance to preserve myself -and thank God I do!-), and friends are always afraid of loosing what we have, or there's simply no attraction.

Won't stop looking though.