Solitude....

I wonder is solitude is forever. Maybe I took the wrong exit and my other half, the one who can cope with my real me, the one who is supposed to be there, to love me, to know me, maybe he is gone forever and pur paths are not ment to cross ever again. Maybe solitude is a state that will last forever.

My soul is lonely. Alcohol, drugs and good friends are no consolation. Im tired of being a camaleon that changes to please its partner. I am this. And Im tired and lonely, seeing how deep and sweet others people's love is. Im not like girls here, I dont want to get married, I dont "need" a guy. I want to feel crazy passion, I want to go mental for someone. I had it before. I know it always end up wrong, but I need to feel myself alive, desired....

The problem is to know what you want...

I've been 10 days away and now I'm back in my very quite job, my messy house from where i'm happily moving tomorrow, Im back to solitary reality I built for myself. And I didn't even care about the fucker that left me waiting and is playing with my mind while I was away, out there there's so much to see, so many people to meet. But I AM HERE right now. And here means a place where I fancy noone, whereI should make my standars low to be with someone. Im not like that. But there is something about this guy that keeps me hooked. Or maybe is only that I have nothing better to do.

One way or the other I had to hate myself for 2 days thinking if he would come and talk to me, deleting his number was a good idea, but there is still facebook... I know he can see what I post, and I can see when he is online. When I get tired of waiting I end meeting him by pure casuality but in a rush, no idea if I was supposed to understand the "see you around" like, good luck or what. The next day I end deciding to send him a message explaining that things dont work anymore and I would prefer not to have him in facebook. Of course, and it looks like a freaking joke... when I take the computer to write he starts chatting with me...

He can't hurt me as he did already. I'm not hooked in the emotional way, I can't say exactly why Im still talking to him. I would like someone mature that can tell me things as they are "I thought about what you said, this and that!"... I would like so much obviously... I made it clear that I was still interested, cause te truth is the winter is coming and Ill enjoy whatever good this guy has to offer, but Ill have clear the limits too. Anyway. I don't know where this is going. I don't want to be again the one is left, I almost never been there and I hate it, my pride hates it! So, do I take a quick desition and I finish things now? (My pride will be happy, but I may be risking some fun??) Or do I wait to, maybe, end up being left... I mean is obvious this is going nowhere as it is. For me this time away was too long and I feel so cold about him.

Why on earth he has that power of making me stay in the hook, in a practical way. If a guy disapears in the middle of a conversation, or doesn't answer you last text... technologie is ruining relationships!!!!

And everything goes wrong...

I wish I have heard my own advise in that last post. I wasn't suppose to get emotionally involved. But hey, once again, I let myself go... with what consecuences. Yeay, got hurt again.

I'm in the floor of an airport, going away in a adventure holiday. I need to be in the wild, me and my backpack. I need to sort myself out.And just a couple of hours ago I was hunging around the streets of Dublin, waiting for someone who told me would come to meet me, and then chnged his mind, or was to busy or God knows what. And something that in another situation wouldn't have annoyed me, it really, really, REALLY upseted me. Is not the first time I think about finishing things with this guy. There is something obvious: he upsets me more than he makes me happy. Is not supposed to work this way. But this time I realized something else. I was too honest, to myself. I gave him the power to hurt me. I made myself vulnerable and its my mistake, I just choose the worng person!!!

The power of the mind

This is one of my gifts, maybe the strongest and the one that its been saving me, and keeping me safe. My mind is so so so powerfull that I can actually made a desition and convince myself of it.

Do you want an example?

Right now I'm deciding that I don't want to get attached to a guy who will probably end up hurting me, who is definately not what I look in a man.

I'm convincing myself I'm better alone. I don't want to finish whatever it is I have with the guy, not yet, but I'm not getting emotionally involved.

Hello, my name is X and I'm a mess

I just realize that my perfect relax life is just a mess. A freking huge mess. How did I let it go so far? Here I am, I'm a terrible mess.

I've been goig out with a guy for 3 weeks and even when I can't say I'm falling for the fella, I can't avoid getting a bit obsess, I guess is only cause I'm putting too much on this relationship (or whatever it is). I miss so may things of being with someone and he is being so nice that I can't avoid wishing to see him more often or spend more time toghether. But I need to stop this before I get hurt. Again.

So is saturday night and he is at home watching tely. It annoys me cause I was clear I wanted him to come with me tonight to my friends gig. Not even my housemate met him yet. I wanted to make it oficial: in a small town when you are seeing with someone you become, for the local gossip ladies (and gentlemen!), oficialy in some kind of relationship with whom you're with. People who you barly know will comment on that issue. And I thought that's what I wanted. But I'm thinking it again, and maybe is better not to make it public.

Next week I'm going on holidays. Is some kind of special holiday for me. I'm going to walk almost 170 km in 6 days in the middle of Spain. I need to put my body to work to clear my mind and decide what I want. Thats the goal.

What does sex means in a relationship?

I remember my ex boyfriend telling me he couldn't be in a relationship where the girl doesn't want to have sex (we were talking about religion matters I think). I respect still his point of view, he actually kept himself virgin till when he was 21 and found someone special. So sometimes I remeber this and can't avoid asking myself, what does sex means in a relationship?

I love sex. I had amazing teachers and partners and even bad experiences (none really really bad I would say) taught me something valuable. I learnt to know myself and I learnt to read my partner to know what he likes. I enjoy receiving as much as giving. Some guys feel scared about my open sexuality, about my own security with my body (I'm not skinny and I don't want to be, I'm just happy with my body!). But this is out of the point. I keep trying to understand what sex means to me in a relationship... Let's go throught old stuff.

My exboyfriend was with whom I learn with. We respected each other and discovered our own pleasures. We tried loads of things and always found a way to please each other. My mistake for thinking it was like that all the time with everybody.

The other random partners I had, they all taught me something different, I tried new things. Though very rarely felt like before, there's some kind of intimacy that I had with my ex that I can't seem to create with anyone else.

French fucker is what is breaking what I would have called my sex theory before. With him it was mostly about sex and it wasn't bad at all, but still there was no intimicy really, apart from the phisical thing. He was the clearest prove that sex can't be the most important part of a relationship. I know it for sure now, not that I ignored it before, but wasn't looking for something serious then.

So now, present time, I have someone sweet with me, someone who seems to be interested and being interesting. But he is frustrating me sexually. God! I even had sex dreams hearing him snores. How bad it is?

So, my conclusion. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Of course is not what it should be based on. It's important to get to know the ther person before being able to get to know it in bed. And I feel like that may happen this time, I'm willing to try, I'm just scared is gonna be great in the way it is now, the sweet thing, the interest, the flirting, the being there thing. But what if it doesn't work in bed?

If only I could ....

If only I could put bits and pieces of all the guys I've been with. That would be amazing!

Why there's no guy who would be sweet and funny and good in bed. Come on! Is the basic stuff!! Is this asking for too much? Cause at the moment I feel like it.

I've spent the whole night awake. I have been dating a guy for 2 weeks, and as he keeps showing me how different this relationship is from anything I've done before, we still didn't have sex. Of course, playing, games, etc, but then you would think as soon as you're in bed you can't stop touching each other. But, hey, no. Last night, after proving the fact that there things in bed he wouldn't do (and I'm not talking about freaky stuff, hey!), and hey, I say things as they are but I'm not beggin. Hey, we can learn together, no worries. BUT, not if you fall sleep.

So I'm not even tired cause I'm still annoyed of spending the night naked next to a guy snoring.

And you may be thinking how unconsiderate I am right? The guy was tired from work, or from whatever. But I was working too. And the it all cames back to me, cause I know we loose the horny spirit, but I spent a year having sex all the freaking time with my ex-boyfriend. I actually counted it: it was more than the days in a year. So, when you fell sleep in my bed, next to a naked girl you say you like, after only 2 weeks of going out, sorry mate, there is no suspense in not having sex yet, you're just boring me.