I wish I have heard my own advise in that last post. I wasn't suppose to get emotionally involved. But hey, once again, I let myself go... with what consecuences. Yeay, got hurt again.
I'm in the floor of an airport, going away in a adventure holiday. I need to be in the wild, me and my backpack. I need to sort myself out.And just a couple of hours ago I was hunging around the streets of Dublin, waiting for someone who told me would come to meet me, and then chnged his mind, or was to busy or God knows what. And something that in another situation wouldn't have annoyed me, it really, really, REALLY upseted me. Is not the first time I think about finishing things with this guy. There is something obvious: he upsets me more than he makes me happy. Is not supposed to work this way. But this time I realized something else. I was too honest, to myself. I gave him the power to hurt me. I made myself vulnerable and its my mistake, I just choose the worng person!!!
Sunday, 31 October 2010
Sunday, 24 October 2010
The power of the mind
This is one of my gifts, maybe the strongest and the one that its been saving me, and keeping me safe. My mind is so so so powerfull that I can actually made a desition and convince myself of it.
Do you want an example?
Right now I'm deciding that I don't want to get attached to a guy who will probably end up hurting me, who is definately not what I look in a man.
I'm convincing myself I'm better alone. I don't want to finish whatever it is I have with the guy, not yet, but I'm not getting emotionally involved.
Do you want an example?
Right now I'm deciding that I don't want to get attached to a guy who will probably end up hurting me, who is definately not what I look in a man.
I'm convincing myself I'm better alone. I don't want to finish whatever it is I have with the guy, not yet, but I'm not getting emotionally involved.
Hello, my name is X and I'm a mess
I just realize that my perfect relax life is just a mess. A freking huge mess. How did I let it go so far? Here I am, I'm a terrible mess.
I've been goig out with a guy for 3 weeks and even when I can't say I'm falling for the fella, I can't avoid getting a bit obsess, I guess is only cause I'm putting too much on this relationship (or whatever it is). I miss so may things of being with someone and he is being so nice that I can't avoid wishing to see him more often or spend more time toghether. But I need to stop this before I get hurt. Again.
So is saturday night and he is at home watching tely. It annoys me cause I was clear I wanted him to come with me tonight to my friends gig. Not even my housemate met him yet. I wanted to make it oficial: in a small town when you are seeing with someone you become, for the local gossip ladies (and gentlemen!), oficialy in some kind of relationship with whom you're with. People who you barly know will comment on that issue. And I thought that's what I wanted. But I'm thinking it again, and maybe is better not to make it public.
Next week I'm going on holidays. Is some kind of special holiday for me. I'm going to walk almost 170 km in 6 days in the middle of Spain. I need to put my body to work to clear my mind and decide what I want. Thats the goal.
I've been goig out with a guy for 3 weeks and even when I can't say I'm falling for the fella, I can't avoid getting a bit obsess, I guess is only cause I'm putting too much on this relationship (or whatever it is). I miss so may things of being with someone and he is being so nice that I can't avoid wishing to see him more often or spend more time toghether. But I need to stop this before I get hurt. Again.
So is saturday night and he is at home watching tely. It annoys me cause I was clear I wanted him to come with me tonight to my friends gig. Not even my housemate met him yet. I wanted to make it oficial: in a small town when you are seeing with someone you become, for the local gossip ladies (and gentlemen!), oficialy in some kind of relationship with whom you're with. People who you barly know will comment on that issue. And I thought that's what I wanted. But I'm thinking it again, and maybe is better not to make it public.
Next week I'm going on holidays. Is some kind of special holiday for me. I'm going to walk almost 170 km in 6 days in the middle of Spain. I need to put my body to work to clear my mind and decide what I want. Thats the goal.
Saturday, 23 October 2010
What does sex means in a relationship?
I remember my ex boyfriend telling me he couldn't be in a relationship where the girl doesn't want to have sex (we were talking about religion matters I think). I respect still his point of view, he actually kept himself virgin till when he was 21 and found someone special. So sometimes I remeber this and can't avoid asking myself, what does sex means in a relationship?
I love sex. I had amazing teachers and partners and even bad experiences (none really really bad I would say) taught me something valuable. I learnt to know myself and I learnt to read my partner to know what he likes. I enjoy receiving as much as giving. Some guys feel scared about my open sexuality, about my own security with my body (I'm not skinny and I don't want to be, I'm just happy with my body!). But this is out of the point. I keep trying to understand what sex means to me in a relationship... Let's go throught old stuff.
My exboyfriend was with whom I learn with. We respected each other and discovered our own pleasures. We tried loads of things and always found a way to please each other. My mistake for thinking it was like that all the time with everybody.
The other random partners I had, they all taught me something different, I tried new things. Though very rarely felt like before, there's some kind of intimacy that I had with my ex that I can't seem to create with anyone else.
French fucker is what is breaking what I would have called my sex theory before. With him it was mostly about sex and it wasn't bad at all, but still there was no intimicy really, apart from the phisical thing. He was the clearest prove that sex can't be the most important part of a relationship. I know it for sure now, not that I ignored it before, but wasn't looking for something serious then.
So now, present time, I have someone sweet with me, someone who seems to be interested and being interesting. But he is frustrating me sexually. God! I even had sex dreams hearing him snores. How bad it is?
So, my conclusion. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Of course is not what it should be based on. It's important to get to know the ther person before being able to get to know it in bed. And I feel like that may happen this time, I'm willing to try, I'm just scared is gonna be great in the way it is now, the sweet thing, the interest, the flirting, the being there thing. But what if it doesn't work in bed?
I love sex. I had amazing teachers and partners and even bad experiences (none really really bad I would say) taught me something valuable. I learnt to know myself and I learnt to read my partner to know what he likes. I enjoy receiving as much as giving. Some guys feel scared about my open sexuality, about my own security with my body (I'm not skinny and I don't want to be, I'm just happy with my body!). But this is out of the point. I keep trying to understand what sex means to me in a relationship... Let's go throught old stuff.
My exboyfriend was with whom I learn with. We respected each other and discovered our own pleasures. We tried loads of things and always found a way to please each other. My mistake for thinking it was like that all the time with everybody.
The other random partners I had, they all taught me something different, I tried new things. Though very rarely felt like before, there's some kind of intimacy that I had with my ex that I can't seem to create with anyone else.
French fucker is what is breaking what I would have called my sex theory before. With him it was mostly about sex and it wasn't bad at all, but still there was no intimicy really, apart from the phisical thing. He was the clearest prove that sex can't be the most important part of a relationship. I know it for sure now, not that I ignored it before, but wasn't looking for something serious then.
So now, present time, I have someone sweet with me, someone who seems to be interested and being interesting. But he is frustrating me sexually. God! I even had sex dreams hearing him snores. How bad it is?
So, my conclusion. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Of course is not what it should be based on. It's important to get to know the ther person before being able to get to know it in bed. And I feel like that may happen this time, I'm willing to try, I'm just scared is gonna be great in the way it is now, the sweet thing, the interest, the flirting, the being there thing. But what if it doesn't work in bed?
Saturday, 16 October 2010
If only I could ....
If only I could put bits and pieces of all the guys I've been with. That would be amazing!
Why there's no guy who would be sweet and funny and good in bed. Come on! Is the basic stuff!! Is this asking for too much? Cause at the moment I feel like it.
I've spent the whole night awake. I have been dating a guy for 2 weeks, and as he keeps showing me how different this relationship is from anything I've done before, we still didn't have sex. Of course, playing, games, etc, but then you would think as soon as you're in bed you can't stop touching each other. But, hey, no. Last night, after proving the fact that there things in bed he wouldn't do (and I'm not talking about freaky stuff, hey!), and hey, I say things as they are but I'm not beggin. Hey, we can learn together, no worries. BUT, not if you fall sleep.
So I'm not even tired cause I'm still annoyed of spending the night naked next to a guy snoring.
And you may be thinking how unconsiderate I am right? The guy was tired from work, or from whatever. But I was working too. And the it all cames back to me, cause I know we loose the horny spirit, but I spent a year having sex all the freaking time with my ex-boyfriend. I actually counted it: it was more than the days in a year. So, when you fell sleep in my bed, next to a naked girl you say you like, after only 2 weeks of going out, sorry mate, there is no suspense in not having sex yet, you're just boring me.
Why there's no guy who would be sweet and funny and good in bed. Come on! Is the basic stuff!! Is this asking for too much? Cause at the moment I feel like it.
I've spent the whole night awake. I have been dating a guy for 2 weeks, and as he keeps showing me how different this relationship is from anything I've done before, we still didn't have sex. Of course, playing, games, etc, but then you would think as soon as you're in bed you can't stop touching each other. But, hey, no. Last night, after proving the fact that there things in bed he wouldn't do (and I'm not talking about freaky stuff, hey!), and hey, I say things as they are but I'm not beggin. Hey, we can learn together, no worries. BUT, not if you fall sleep.
So I'm not even tired cause I'm still annoyed of spending the night naked next to a guy snoring.
And you may be thinking how unconsiderate I am right? The guy was tired from work, or from whatever. But I was working too. And the it all cames back to me, cause I know we loose the horny spirit, but I spent a year having sex all the freaking time with my ex-boyfriend. I actually counted it: it was more than the days in a year. So, when you fell sleep in my bed, next to a naked girl you say you like, after only 2 weeks of going out, sorry mate, there is no suspense in not having sex yet, you're just boring me.
Can things be so funny?
Pub, red wine and a guy who is all smiles but wouldn't call you after a month is not a good combination. So what happened then? Chatting with my girls, silly tears of frustration start filling my eyes, and suddenly I wasn't sure why I was crying. Or was I? I'm tired of my own rules, of my own choise of being alone. I want someone to share my time, someone who would make me feel special somehow. Someone I like.
More wine in the pub only made me sleepy and when my friends went out to God knows what, I just lied on the bench and close my eyes, music in the background and the familiar noise of my bar. These things I only got to enjoy them for a few seconds, and suddenly someone knock on my back. "Hi!"
I usually refuse to flirt in the pub, I usually ignore irish guys (Im not their type anyway!), I usually think all nice comments are alcohol bullshit. So, why did I smile when this guy started telling me how much he wanted to meet me, how much he wanted to talk to me. I let him go on, cause my frustrated ego needed some compliments. But, could it be so easy? so quick? My friend was laughing of attonishment when she came back. I don't know.
The only thing I know is that this guy is everything I don't do, everything I've been avoiding. He is pushing me to my extrems of patience. But in the other hand, everything I usually do end up in a disaster right?
More wine in the pub only made me sleepy and when my friends went out to God knows what, I just lied on the bench and close my eyes, music in the background and the familiar noise of my bar. These things I only got to enjoy them for a few seconds, and suddenly someone knock on my back. "Hi!"
I usually refuse to flirt in the pub, I usually ignore irish guys (Im not their type anyway!), I usually think all nice comments are alcohol bullshit. So, why did I smile when this guy started telling me how much he wanted to meet me, how much he wanted to talk to me. I let him go on, cause my frustrated ego needed some compliments. But, could it be so easy? so quick? My friend was laughing of attonishment when she came back. I don't know.
The only thing I know is that this guy is everything I don't do, everything I've been avoiding. He is pushing me to my extrems of patience. But in the other hand, everything I usually do end up in a disaster right?
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